Been a long time

Yep, I’m ready to break out into song. Again. This time Led Zeppelin is running through my brain as I sit in a busy coffee shop wrapping up some homework. Oh the homework? Well I’m back in school in a Career and Education Certification course for some professional development.

And now that I finished what I ‘had’ to do, I’m feeling like its time to write. I started thinking how long it’d been since I’ve written here. Yeah, its been a long time. Weeks I know. And rather than slap my own wrist for not writing enough, I’m singing instead. No, I’m not standing on the tables in the coffee shop belting out my Jimmy Page. Yet.

It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled
It’s been a long time since I did the stroll
Oh baby, let me get back, Let me get back,
Let me get back, Baby where I come from
It’s been a long time, Been a long time
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
Yes it has

I think about what’s holding me back from writing and at first I think its about not knowing what to write  and then I realize its that there’s a whole lot to say right now but it feels scary to put it out there. Ah, so fear of being real right here on my blog is holding me back.  I remind myself that this is a blog, an outlet for what’s going on in my life and a place to share. By holding back though I realize, I’m holding back what’s real. What is there to hide? Nothing. My work is to encourage people to share there lives, to learn from them.

Truth is, there’s a lot for me to write about because there’s been a lot going on in my life. I’ve made changes, big ones that have felt dramatic and traumatic at points and magnificently freeing in others as I am getting to know my courage and clarity in a new way. I’m getting to practice compassion for myself and for others around me when it feels most difficult. I read this post last week and felt ready to take a step here. While our stories are different, I was inspired to write, open and let something out.

This Fall, I decided make a change in my marriage. Though explanations I am learning are not necessary, they come almost automatically. Simply put, it was time to try something new and for my husband and I to take space and live separately. So we are.  The journey has been a long one, getting to a place where I felt clear enough to take a stand on what I believe is most healthy and loving.  The process of feeling different emotions on what was once an hourly basis has been exhilarating, exhausting and well like cleansing. I am learning to go back to listening to myself, and to do what I know is right and true. These experiences are all part of trekking my path, now in un-chartered territories. This transition is grounding and surreal and tough all at once. I keep peeling back layers to see more clearly who I am. I keep walking and climbing this mountain path and in that trusting what is real and true. I learn every day that I am not alone and I share this to let you know you are not either.

I am learning what this apartness means for me, for others.   I know what matters most is the well-being of our family. We still are one I say, we just ‘look’ different now. There is still love and care. I am learning that I cannot control what others think or believe or feel but I can practice empathy and compassion for what they might.  I am learning that the range of emotions I can feel and be curious about is vast to say the least.  I am learning to be comfortable with who I am now, making these changes.

In the blogs I’ve kept (there are two), I have written often of the sweet stuff and find myself leaving out the other parts, those less lovely. But recently, my friend over here in her post called “Sometimes” reminded me in her courage that there is more to say, to let out. And yes, this means trying on some vulnerability in this space and opening myself up more.  What I know is, this is life and here for the tasting and the learning and the growing.  The digging in, the getting real, the stepping in to what scares us most, the pain and joy reminds us we are real. And what comes from all of the experience that is life, is a magnificent opportunity to grow.

Yep, its been a long time. I thought about drawing a parallel to these lyrics above and where I am now. But I’m not gonna do that because after all the song just popped in my head after finishing my homework thinking about how long its been since I’d written much at all.

And now that I have, well I’m ready to sing some more. And write.

 

 

2 Responses

  1. Stephinie says:

    This is beautiful and honest and lovely. I’ve been thinking of you and was so happy to read these words this morning as I sipped my coffee. It’s an amazing release to share these sort of things and such an opportunity to connect with other souls out there. Much love to you on this journey Kathy :)

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